Greetings, fellow denizens of the wizarding world.

News has reached my ears concerning suspicious goings-on in something called ‘the interwebs’. I must confess, at first, I thought it was a new breed of arachnid, perhaps related to our eight-legged cousins from the Forbidden Forest. But alas, it seems the reality is more concerning than one might imagine—our kind has started breeding spiders on these so-called ‘interwebs’!

In light of this unsettling revelation, the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures has been instructed to keep a watchful eye on this disturbing development. Be warned: any unseemly activities perpetrated within the realms of this tangled web shall be treated with the same gravity as if they occurred in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. A decree has been issued—indulge in illicit practices, and you may find yourself ensnared in the clutches of a dementor-like banishment from the platform or, worse still, sentenced to attend a compulsory course on broomstick etiquette at the Ministry.

The innocence of our community is at stake, and I must implore everyone to keep their wands inside their robes at all times. In the interest of safety, the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes has provided a substitute for your despicable needs—a trusty blow-up doll of human proportions that should keep your wands and wants satisfied, while leaving no harm to the innocent arachnids roaming the interwebs. Stop this perversion before it leads us down a path of no return, lest the interwebs become a haven for spider-buggery.

Stay vigilant, my friends. Let us not forget the lessons of the past. We cannot afford another incident akin to Scamander’s Menagerie, where magical creatures were mishandled in the name of amusement. Keep your activities within the confines of propriety, and you shall be free to continue spinning tales without the Ministry stepping in.

You can find a picture of a deeply concerned arachnid attached down below.

Cornelius P. Fudge,
Minister for Magic.

(Image by: zzzHADOzzz)